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CHAPTER 4 - NEW BEGINNINGS & THE CORD OF DEPENDENCY
Light Switch #3 - Dependency
In my experience and the observations of others around me, I've concluded that dependency is also an enabler and is often mistaken for people labeling as "non supportive". The latter is so not the case.
We are all beautifully made and designed, with the ability to take care of ourselves. Have you ever heard the expression, "God helps those who help themselves”. That means that you must take some initiative. Point yourself in the right direction. Blaming others for "not being there for you" in your time of need and using that as an excuse as to the reason you are in your current situation is wrong.
Everyone involved in a situation has free will. I am a mother and my children are allowed to depend on me; however, no one else can make me feel obligated in that capacity.
Please do not misconstrue this as not being dependable. I am reliable, and if I am responsible to do something, I am dependable. So many people have grown individuals in their lives that are dependent, almost in a leeching capacity. This behavior must be broken if you want to be free and have your own energy to do what it is you want and need to do.
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When my sister was 19 she moved in with me. She was not paying rent but staying in my daughter’s room. She got herself a boyfriend and he would spend the night sometimes. I went in my daughter’s room one day and saw that she had basically moved him in and had all of his things in my baby's closet!
I confronted her about it and basically said, "You are not paying rent for the room, so how do you think it’s OK to move your boyfriend in my house without me knowing?"
She was bold enough to get an attitude with me in my house where I pay ALL the bills, stomping around and yelling and telling me to basically deal with it. So I told her to get all her stuff and her boyfriend’s stuff and get out! Right then. She was shocked I did it because my mom was there visiting and she thought Mom was going to save her.
Though she was pissed initially and it was very difficult for me to do, several years later she thanked me for that because she now understands what it is like to have a home and how much work is required to keep it.
She now requires respect for her household. She has rules about calling her house or coming over! I am proud that I embraced cutting the cord of dependency with my sister because I can see the positive result in her life today.
So many people are being depleted dry literally and figuratively of their energy by other grown individuals who have latched on and became feeders. The person being fed off of cannot begin to take care of themselves, because they have been conditioned to be the unlimited source of energy for others.
This is hard to recognize in ourselves because we think we are helping and conditioned to think of this as being a blessing. It’s a fine line. You have to be careful not to become a hindrance - for both parties involved - because you will both stay stagnant and cannot grow. This is not healthy people.
I had to cut off a lot of people in my life and it wasn’t easy. It stings at first because it seems mean.
You’ll hear things like, "You can't help me anymore? WHY? You got the money!"
Sad sob stories will continue. You have to make the educated decision between when someone is genuinely in need or just being lazy and only using your kindness as weakness.
Riding your life of dependent grown people and stopping codependency on others is a step toward living for you.
I was conditioned for so long to be a crutch for others. To me, it was the same feeling as a blessing and was hard to tell the difference because it made me feel good to be helping someone; and also knowing that it wouldn't have been possible without me, and they needed it.
After a long time of being used in that capacity, it made me feel like people were around me or loved me for what I could do for them versus truly enjoying just being with me.
I always felt that the men in my life were around for that reason as well. I was and still am, an amazing woman in a relationship. I take care of my man like a King and whatever I can do for him, I will.
The problem was that the energy exchange was not being reciprocated, just expected of me and taken for granted. It left me depleted and wondering why this was happening to me.
Not once did I realize that I was allowing it to happen. I was the reason that I was being used. People will only do to you what you allow. If you are in an abusive relationship - mentally or physically, the first time an incident occurs and there are no consequences to that individual that abused you, then you have to own the fact that you allowed yourself to be abused. Your inaction told them it was ok to do so again and there would be no consequences.
You have the power to break the cycle and say “No more!” Leave, or do whatever is the best thing to do to sever that relationship. Again, this is IF you want a change in your life.
I had to face this lesson many times in my life and even more so as I journeyed into another chapter in my life. After almost losing my life to some foolishness, my time in Jacksonville and my marriage finally came to an end.
Moving to south Florida was a dream come true. It was so much prettier than Jacksonville and it had a more liberal feel, than the South Georgia feel of north Florida, if that makes any sense.
Light Switch #3 - Dependency
In my experience and the observations of others around me, I've concluded that dependency is also an enabler and is often mistaken for people labeling as "non supportive". The latter is so not the case.
We are all beautifully made and designed, with the ability to take care of ourselves. Have you ever heard the expression, "God helps those who help themselves”. That means that you must take some initiative. Point yourself in the right direction. Blaming others for "not being there for you" in your time of need and using that as an excuse as to the reason you are in your current situation is wrong.
Everyone involved in a situation has free will. I am a mother and my children are allowed to depend on me; however, no one else can make me feel obligated in that capacity.
Please do not misconstrue this as not being dependable. I am reliable, and if I am responsible to do something, I am dependable. So many people have grown individuals in their lives that are dependent, almost in a leeching capacity. This behavior must be broken if you want to be free and have your own energy to do what it is you want and need to do.
----------------
When my sister was 19 she moved in with me. She was not paying rent but staying in my daughter’s room. She got herself a boyfriend and he would spend the night sometimes. I went in my daughter’s room one day and saw that she had basically moved him in and had all of his things in my baby's closet!
I confronted her about it and basically said, "You are not paying rent for the room, so how do you think it’s OK to move your boyfriend in my house without me knowing?"
She was bold enough to get an attitude with me in my house where I pay ALL the bills, stomping around and yelling and telling me to basically deal with it. So I told her to get all her stuff and her boyfriend’s stuff and get out! Right then. She was shocked I did it because my mom was there visiting and she thought Mom was going to save her.
Though she was pissed initially and it was very difficult for me to do, several years later she thanked me for that because she now understands what it is like to have a home and how much work is required to keep it.
She now requires respect for her household. She has rules about calling her house or coming over! I am proud that I embraced cutting the cord of dependency with my sister because I can see the positive result in her life today.
So many people are being depleted dry literally and figuratively of their energy by other grown individuals who have latched on and became feeders. The person being fed off of cannot begin to take care of themselves, because they have been conditioned to be the unlimited source of energy for others.
This is hard to recognize in ourselves because we think we are helping and conditioned to think of this as being a blessing. It’s a fine line. You have to be careful not to become a hindrance - for both parties involved - because you will both stay stagnant and cannot grow. This is not healthy people.
I had to cut off a lot of people in my life and it wasn’t easy. It stings at first because it seems mean.
You’ll hear things like, "You can't help me anymore? WHY? You got the money!"
Sad sob stories will continue. You have to make the educated decision between when someone is genuinely in need or just being lazy and only using your kindness as weakness.
Riding your life of dependent grown people and stopping codependency on others is a step toward living for you.
I was conditioned for so long to be a crutch for others. To me, it was the same feeling as a blessing and was hard to tell the difference because it made me feel good to be helping someone; and also knowing that it wouldn't have been possible without me, and they needed it.
After a long time of being used in that capacity, it made me feel like people were around me or loved me for what I could do for them versus truly enjoying just being with me.
I always felt that the men in my life were around for that reason as well. I was and still am, an amazing woman in a relationship. I take care of my man like a King and whatever I can do for him, I will.
The problem was that the energy exchange was not being reciprocated, just expected of me and taken for granted. It left me depleted and wondering why this was happening to me.
Not once did I realize that I was allowing it to happen. I was the reason that I was being used. People will only do to you what you allow. If you are in an abusive relationship - mentally or physically, the first time an incident occurs and there are no consequences to that individual that abused you, then you have to own the fact that you allowed yourself to be abused. Your inaction told them it was ok to do so again and there would be no consequences.
You have the power to break the cycle and say “No more!” Leave, or do whatever is the best thing to do to sever that relationship. Again, this is IF you want a change in your life.
I had to face this lesson many times in my life and even more so as I journeyed into another chapter in my life. After almost losing my life to some foolishness, my time in Jacksonville and my marriage finally came to an end.
Moving to south Florida was a dream come true. It was so much prettier than Jacksonville and it had a more liberal feel, than the South Georgia feel of north Florida, if that makes any sense.
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